Intentional Heart-work

I am feeling the Spirit's nudging. He is saying much about my heart and the work He wants to do in it. He is asking me to open my heart to Him in new ways and look at it with Him. He wants me to allow Him to transform those places - not me, in my own effort, trying to fix them.

So each day...really each time He nudges during the day...my prayer is

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any way of pain in me,
and lead me in the everlasting way .

Then I wait and listen.

My Heart

I have been meaning to sit down and write for quite a few days now, but something always seems to prevent me from having a few quite moments to get my thoughts out in words. So now, this morning, with tons of things on my desk and a task list full of details to take care of, I am choosing to ignore those things that would want to grab for my attention and instead deliberately give my attention to the thoughts floating around in my head. (This grabbing vs. giving is actually another string of thoughts I hope to blog about in the future...)

A few days ago I had a conversation with my son that went something like this: (I wanted him to do something he did not want to do at the moment.)

Me: Luc, I want you to turn off the TV and _____________________ (I can't even remember what it was)
Luc: Mom, I'll give you a dollar if I don't have to do it.
Me: Luc, I want you to turn off the TV and ____________________.
Luc: I'll give you all my money if I don't have to do it.
Me: Luc....
Luc: OK, I'll give you a million dollars if I don't have to do it!
Me: Luc, I don't want your money, I want your obedience.

That statement seemed to work fine for the moment, but then something (or Someone) started to make me feel uncomfortable about that statement. While I fully understand that as parents we need to teach children to obey, I also began to think that is not what I really want. What I really want is not rote obedience, but rather for his heart to trust me - to open his heart to someone outside of himself (me) and from that vantage point, out of trust and love, he would obey.

While I am FAR from this with my children and I know that it is easier written than done, God began to speak gently to me from this interaction. He, too, said to me, "Tara, I don't want your obedience...I want your heart. I want you to trust Me with your heart. I want you to trust My love and from there I want you to obey if I tell you something to do." He is also making it clear that He wants to go on a journey with me into my heart - to look at the hidden places, the sinful places - but equally has made it clear that this is a journey of love not condemnation. He is giving me an invitation not just to "obey" and do the "right" thing or to make myself better or try harder or be a "good little girl" (which I can't do anyway!), but to join Him on a journey and allow His Spirit to transform me by His power.

Lord, here is my heart. I will not try to slap on external obedience, but rather my obedience will be in continually opening my heart to Your Spirit, in trusting You to take me on a journey. Like when I first came to You, I declare once more that I cannot do it on my own - that me being good in my own power is not what You desire. You desire for it to be Your work and the transformative power of Your Spirit. I yield myself to that transforming Power...

Tuesday Morning Prayer

Walking today was amazing!! I followed my same route through the trails in the forest to emerge onto the beach. But today, I was struck with the growth and fullness of the vegetation around me. Perhaps because summer was so late in arriving or perhaps because I enjoyed the barrenness of the forest in the winter, today the abundance of foliage just overwhelmed me. And as I walked, I thought of this: (taken from Celtic Benediction by J. Philip Newell)

In the beginning, O God,
when the firm earth emerged from the waters of life
You saw that it was good.
The fertile ground was moist
the seed was strong
and earth's profusion of colour and scent was born.
Awaken my senses this day
to the goodness that still stems from Eden.
Awaken my senses
to the goodness that can still spring forth
in me and in all that has life.


and this one:


The world is alive with Your goodness, O God,
it grows green from the ground
and ripens into the roundness of fruit.
Its taste and its touch
enliven my body and stir my soul.
Generously given
profusely displayed
Your graces of goodness pour forth from the earth.
As I have received
so free me to give.
As I have been granted
so may I give.

When Mercy Kisses Justice

The ancients have said "What does God require of you? To love mercy and do justice..." These two things have often seemed like opposites to me. On a color spectrum mercy would be red and justice, violet - mercy standing on one side and justice on the other. Some of us are more comfortable dancing with mercy and others of us, befriending justice.

But there is a place where mercy and justice kiss. And I stood there last night!

As orphans were brought into the room and placed in the hands of waiting parents, the conference room where we stood was transformed into a place where the sweet tenderness of compassion met the strength of the "world-made-right". It was holy ground...

...a new creation began

...new names were given

...those who did not belong, now had a home

...those who were discarded were now wanted and needed desparately

...babies smiled and parents cried

...women who had longed to hold a child called "mine" now rejoiced with full arms

...yet unknown doors of opportunity were swung WIDE open

Mercy was the mother's arms and Justice the father's - love and protection in perfect rhythm. I am blessed to have been there. I am honored to have seen such a kiss.

Sweet babies, you no longer live alone in this world. You have been given families. You are no longer one of many, you are one in a million - you are important and you matter.

Courageous parents, your arms are no longer empty, they are full along with your hearts. You have the privilege of being called "mama" and "dada". You give new names and everyone gets new life!

God, may You bless these families beyond measure. May You give them many moments where mercy kisses justice and the world is made right. May You give them great joy and delight in this new family that has been made. May You show them Your tenderness, like a mom, and Your protection, like a dad. May they find the fullness of their Home in You!!

-written in Chongqing, China - April 14th

Maundy Thursday

I learned the other day that Maundy means "command". So Maundy Thursday is derived from the command of Jesus at the Last Supper to love one another. Right before He gives this command, he "acts" it out...Jesus gets up and washes His disciples feet.

As He does this, He asks them, "Do you realize what I have done for you?" It is a poignant question, both to the disciples and to us today. (It is actually amazing to look at all the questions Jesus asks through the gospels).

Someone wrote: Well might Jesus ask us if we understand what he has done for us. In this passage, he is speaking of the washing of the disciples' feet, and how the disciples themselves must become servants of one another. But how can we realize that the Second Person of the Trinity, the Word made flesh, so humbled Himself, not just to provide a basic scrubbing, but to wash away every bit of human sin, degradation and death?....No we don't realize what He has done, at least not entirely. Each year the Church returns to the mysteries of our Redemption so that we can consider them again, perhaps more deeply this time, perhaps with greater faith than ever. Or perhaps in stunned, humble silence, we will just let the magnitude of these saving acts wash over us.

Lord, as I watch You - the Master and Teacher - wash the feet of Your disciples, I realize that You have laid down a pattern for us, Your people. Help me to not just understand what You did in that act, but to live it out. Enable me to live out the command of loving one another whether that other is friend, brother or enemy. For Your sake, King Jesus!

Palm Sunday

This morning as we grabbed our palm leaves to carry into the service, I stopped to look down upon the one I held in my hand. It was lovely and green except that one leaf was beginning to turn brown and was showing signs of a blight or disease. I thought about switching out the branch and then realized that, for me, it was a great symbol of Palm Sunday.

It was the day when the crowds cheered and rejoiced over Jesus. They wanted to make Him king, they thought for sure He would deliver them from the hands of the Romans. They sang His praises!! But within a handful of hours that chorus of "hosannas" would become a cacophony of "crucify Him!!". They, like my branch were green with energy and desire, but would soon show the decay of fickle allegiences.

I often ask, how could they have done that? Loved Him one moment and chose a convicted murderer over Him the next...Then I stand back and see myself among them. I, too, love it when I think Jesus is going to do something in my favor. I sing His praises and act triumphant! However, when He doesn't do what I expect Him to do, I get kind of ticked off at Him and choose other things or people over Him! I choose my own ideas instead of Him!

Lord, as we stand on this side of Your death and resurrection, I can see now that You came as King, but in a different manner than those around you thought You would. May You give me the grace to always give you a triumphal entry - to always see you as King - but keep me from disowning You when You operate in ways I do not understand! This week, would you help me enter into Your Passion - to hear the story with new ears, to see You in new light, to be humbled deeper by Your death on the cross and to tremble at the announcement of Your resurrection!!

Eating our Prayers

OK, so we are not really EATING them...

We recently sponsored a child from Kenya through World Vision as all of us have been touched/convicted about the poverty in the world and our ability to do something about it. Sponsoring one child is a little, little thing in the scope of such massive, global need, but it is a small step in an every widening journey.

So, in order to consistently pray for our child (and others - including a little orphan in China that will one day soon be added to our extended family) we have set a place at the dinner table for him/them. Because it remains empty, we are reminded to pray that God would fill up the emptiness of those in need. Because we set it on our table, we are reminded that all (no matter their station in life) are invited to come as guests...as family. Because we are using the red "you are special today" plate, it reminds us of God's heart for all.

Lord, we rarely know hunger
we have clean water to drink
and we have families to live in

You use all these metaphors in relation to Yourself and Your Kingdom...

But how will a world who does not know these things
see You and know You and understand You?
Father, stir our hearts to pray for those around the world
and then give us some small thing to do to relieve their suffering.

Caedmon's Prayer

As I read this, it resonated with my heart...

I cannot speak,
unless You loose my tongue;
I only stammer,
and I speak uncertainly;
but if You touch my mouth,
my Lord,
then I will sing the story
of Your wonders!

Teach me to hear that story,
through each person,
to cradle a sense of wonder
in their life,
to honor the hard-earned wisdom
of their sufferings,
to waken their joy
that the King of all kings
stoops down
to wash their feet,
and looking up
into their face
says,
'I know - I understand'

This world has become
a world of broken dreams
where dreamers are hard to find
and friends are few.

Lord, be the gatherer of our dreams
You set the countless stars in place,
and found room for each of them to shine.
You listen for us in Your heaven-bright hall.
Open our mouths to tell our tales of wonder...

I have a dream
that all the world will meet You,
and know You, Jesus,
in Your living power,
that someday soon
all people everywhere will hear Your story
and hear it in a way they understand.

Wearing my Prayers

This is not a new concept to me, as I have often worn a huge nut (as in nut and bolt bought at Home Depot) around my neck at times when I want to remember to pray for something that is heavy on my heart or God's heart. The nut, hanging around my neck, is heavy enough to clunk me in the chest many times a day and bring the thing(s) back to remembrance.

Lately, God has led me to a form of prayer, from the Celtic tradition, that seems to overlap with this wearing of my prayers...

Traditional Caim prayer or circle prayer looks like this: "When words get in the way , the caim or “encircling” prayer can often be helpful. Draw a circle clockwise around yourself, using the right index finger as you say this prayer; this symbolizes the encircling love of God. (The situation may make this physical action impractical; in which case see the action in your mind’s eye as you pray.) See yourself and others encircled and be aware that the living God surrounds and encloses with His love, care and protection."

Wearing the Caim prayer - I have a necklace that is simply a circle, made of some shimmering substance (almost looks like the inside of seashell), that I always get comments about. I have started wearing it as a form of prayer...when I put it on I say a caim prayer, when people comment on it, I smile and ask God to encircle them or me or both, when I reach up and touch it, it reminds me to be grateful for God's encircling love and to remember that I bind myself to this encircling, Three in One.

Crazy perhaps, but it helps me to live in the rhythm of prayer as I live out my life. It is a constant reminder of being surrounded by my King and being allowed the privilege to embrace others in His name.

I bind myself today
The power of God to hold and lead
His eye to watch, His might to stay
His ear to hearken to my need
The wisdom of my God to teach
His hand to guide
His shield to ward
The word of God to give me speech
His Heavenly Host to be my guard.

The Mighty Three
My protection be
Encircling me
You are around
My life, my home
Encircling me
O Sacred Three
The Mighty Three

Ventures

Lord God,
you have called your servants
to ventures of which we cannot see the ending,
by paths as yet untrodden,
through perils unknown.
Give us faith to go out with good courage,
not knowing where we go,
but only that your hand is leading us
and your love supporting us;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Amen.