Hope

I believe it is called dramatic irony. You know, in literature when the weather seems to mimic the moods or intentions of the characters and/or plot line. I have felt this often this winter season - the environment around me seems to be screaming lessons into my heart and life.

I am beginning to feel better; recovering from my "off-ness" with a lovely upped dosage of thyroid medication. It is amazing that this little tiny gland in our bodies can affect so much. Reminds me of Paul's writing about the "lesser parts" of the body. Ahhh...but that is for a different day!

Today, I am feeling hopeful! As I walk and drive around our area right now, it looks like we are in the dead of winter. From a distance, branches on the trees are bare. Their scrawny arms outstretched, pleading for sunshine and warm weather.

However, on closer examination, there are small bumps forming along the twigs and at their tips. Small formations that are a slightly different color from the branch are beginning to appear. Buds are forming and new life is conquering this winter deadness.


This brings me hope. I look forward to the bursts of color that these buds hold now only in promise. I look forward to the new movements of God churning in me and how they will burst forth. Yes...I love new growth....I love buds....because they make me hopeful!

Winter Storms

"You lead me beside still waters.  You restore my soul."

These words I write sitting on a log at the beach.  The hightide waves are very gently, very quietly kissing the shore.  Not a soul is here...not even the birds.  I think about how different this is from a few days ago when the waves were so turbulent, the fog so low and the wind bitter cold.

The beach shows evidence of stom and chaos.  Driftwood in the form of huge logs and branches clutters the surface of the sand.  Debris and garbage are caught in the gnarled pockets of roots and wood.  Out in the water a large system of upside down tree root gives evidence of a tumultuous landslide that stripped this massive entity from the earth and sent it tumbling to its death in the sea.

 

The tide is high so there is little room to walk, nor are there signs of life.  The usual sand dollars and shells covered by the rippling water.  Only sand and debris...

 

 

Yet the waters are quiet.  A morning haze is dissipating to reveal a rare blue sky.  And the junk on the beach gives me a reminder of the cleansing effects of winter storms.  There is a kindness in its severity - to remove the unhealthy, breaking apart, to make room for new growth.  The storms reshape the land and the beach and get it ready for spring.

  

I am this beach - being reformed by the severity of Love.  God cuts away the junk and pounds His waves at the shores of my heart.  He brings bitterness and fog.  And yet, today He grants a reprieve.  He leads me to still waters and exposes the debris.  Debris which should be a badge of shame but to which He says, "This is My doing.  It is good." 

So I will give in to the process of the wind and waves and brace myself for more storms ahead.  After all, winter is still upon me.  I know there will be much garbage to look at and haul away.  But I take heart, for the purging and cutting process is part of the Love of winter.  

(However...I really look forward to spring!)

My Heart

I have been meaning to sit down and write for quite a few days now, but something always seems to prevent me from having a few quite moments to get my thoughts out in words. So now, this morning, with tons of things on my desk and a task list full of details to take care of, I am choosing to ignore those things that would want to grab for my attention and instead deliberately give my attention to the thoughts floating around in my head. (This grabbing vs. giving is actually another string of thoughts I hope to blog about in the future...)

A few days ago I had a conversation with my son that went something like this: (I wanted him to do something he did not want to do at the moment.)

Me: Luc, I want you to turn off the TV and _____________________ (I can't even remember what it was)
Luc: Mom, I'll give you a dollar if I don't have to do it.
Me: Luc, I want you to turn off the TV and ____________________.
Luc: I'll give you all my money if I don't have to do it.
Me: Luc....
Luc: OK, I'll give you a million dollars if I don't have to do it!
Me: Luc, I don't want your money, I want your obedience.

That statement seemed to work fine for the moment, but then something (or Someone) started to make me feel uncomfortable about that statement. While I fully understand that as parents we need to teach children to obey, I also began to think that is not what I really want. What I really want is not rote obedience, but rather for his heart to trust me - to open his heart to someone outside of himself (me) and from that vantage point, out of trust and love, he would obey.

While I am FAR from this with my children and I know that it is easier written than done, God began to speak gently to me from this interaction. He, too, said to me, "Tara, I don't want your obedience...I want your heart. I want you to trust Me with your heart. I want you to trust My love and from there I want you to obey if I tell you something to do." He is also making it clear that He wants to go on a journey with me into my heart - to look at the hidden places, the sinful places - but equally has made it clear that this is a journey of love not condemnation. He is giving me an invitation not just to "obey" and do the "right" thing or to make myself better or try harder or be a "good little girl" (which I can't do anyway!), but to join Him on a journey and allow His Spirit to transform me by His power.

Lord, here is my heart. I will not try to slap on external obedience, but rather my obedience will be in continually opening my heart to Your Spirit, in trusting You to take me on a journey. Like when I first came to You, I declare once more that I cannot do it on my own - that me being good in my own power is not what You desire. You desire for it to be Your work and the transformative power of Your Spirit. I yield myself to that transforming Power...