My Heart

I have been meaning to sit down and write for quite a few days now, but something always seems to prevent me from having a few quite moments to get my thoughts out in words. So now, this morning, with tons of things on my desk and a task list full of details to take care of, I am choosing to ignore those things that would want to grab for my attention and instead deliberately give my attention to the thoughts floating around in my head. (This grabbing vs. giving is actually another string of thoughts I hope to blog about in the future...)

A few days ago I had a conversation with my son that went something like this: (I wanted him to do something he did not want to do at the moment.)

Me: Luc, I want you to turn off the TV and _____________________ (I can't even remember what it was)
Luc: Mom, I'll give you a dollar if I don't have to do it.
Me: Luc, I want you to turn off the TV and ____________________.
Luc: I'll give you all my money if I don't have to do it.
Me: Luc....
Luc: OK, I'll give you a million dollars if I don't have to do it!
Me: Luc, I don't want your money, I want your obedience.

That statement seemed to work fine for the moment, but then something (or Someone) started to make me feel uncomfortable about that statement. While I fully understand that as parents we need to teach children to obey, I also began to think that is not what I really want. What I really want is not rote obedience, but rather for his heart to trust me - to open his heart to someone outside of himself (me) and from that vantage point, out of trust and love, he would obey.

While I am FAR from this with my children and I know that it is easier written than done, God began to speak gently to me from this interaction. He, too, said to me, "Tara, I don't want your obedience...I want your heart. I want you to trust Me with your heart. I want you to trust My love and from there I want you to obey if I tell you something to do." He is also making it clear that He wants to go on a journey with me into my heart - to look at the hidden places, the sinful places - but equally has made it clear that this is a journey of love not condemnation. He is giving me an invitation not just to "obey" and do the "right" thing or to make myself better or try harder or be a "good little girl" (which I can't do anyway!), but to join Him on a journey and allow His Spirit to transform me by His power.

Lord, here is my heart. I will not try to slap on external obedience, but rather my obedience will be in continually opening my heart to Your Spirit, in trusting You to take me on a journey. Like when I first came to You, I declare once more that I cannot do it on my own - that me being good in my own power is not what You desire. You desire for it to be Your work and the transformative power of Your Spirit. I yield myself to that transforming Power...